A change of plans

Last week we made the tough decision to cancel our trip to Italy. I haven’t been feeling well lately, and the worry and anxiety about traveling just got to be too much. I could not imagine traveling while feeling on edge, shaky, insecure and anxious. The last few weeks I have been going through something very uncomfortable, probably due to side effects of a medication I am taking, in addition to the stress of the trip. To help with the side effects, my doctor decided to lower my dosage and this process takes time and patience. I didn’t feel like it was going to be resolved by the time we were set to depart next Monday.

I know I made the right decision, as difficult as it is. Of course we were all disappointed, but I also feel relieved of the pressure to do something that was going to be very hard for me. I am listening to my body and honoring where I am right now. Do I wish I were further along in my healing process than I am today? Definitely. But I don’t discount the fact that I was being hopeful back in November when we made the plans for our trip. I was looking toward the future and wishing for wellness and there is nothing wrong with that. But I am just not there yet.

I learned recently that when we feel bad it is very hard to practice cognitive flexibility. For example, I could not see how to make changes to the trip so that I would be able to feel secure and confident in going. Cognitive flexibility allows us to adjust according to the situation at hand. I couldn’t get my stuck brain to stop worrying.

Anxiety is crippling and it prevents us from living full lives. I am living in this reality right now. So much depends on our mental and physical health and stability; it’s easy to take both for granted when things are going well. Also, the healing process, much like grief, is not linear. I’ve hit a bump in the road but I’m still on the road. I can only hope that the path will smooth out and things will get a little easier each day. I will keep trusting in time, in the medicines, in my care team and most of all, in myself. We may not be going to Italy next week, but maybe we’ll take a drive to the beach. We can adjust to this reality and hold space for unexpected happiness and the simpler pleasures of being together closer to home.

Things I am enjoying right now: walks with Lewis and seeing all the cherry trees and redbuds flowering out, reading Jonathan Escoffery’s If I Survive You, watching the season finale of Gilmore Girls with June and Daniel, finding my faith again (I went to mass and sang uplifting songs at the little Catholic church on Woodland), hugging my neighbors when I see them, getting my hair done. Wishing you a happy weekend.